Revising Writing

Yesterday and today I have been working with Alex and Joshua. we had to read over a sample pice of witting. 

Instructions   

Read over this piece of writing. Change it so that it makes sense and so it sounds exciting. You can delete sentences and change words in the writing so that it can be enhanced. Try not to take the meaning away from the writing.

On Saturday I was at my Papa's, and Aunts, and Uncles, house getting ready for halloween. When I saw my papa was dressed  up in a spooky zombie I was dressed up as a purple bat.  I was ready for halloween. Me and my Papa were going around the houses asking for lollies.

Once I went to a house that was very black and very spooky my Papa got scared I told him don’t worry It's just a house  full of dickarayshions . There  Were  spiderwebs and bats and witch dickarayshions I knocked on the door and out came a ghost a man and a lady gave us sweets yummy happy trical treat I said to them next I went down to another house that wasn't spooky as it was

It only had spiders and black a black witch’s  broom I knocked on the door and out came a black witch the lady gave us chocolate and chocolate candy pumpkins.

When we stopped at kings road we saw my friend Zara and her Dad Babu they were going trical treating for yummy treats me and my Papa were walking to Zara we asked could we come with you to get yummy treats they said yes When we stopped down at the cafe we had a hot chocolate and a strawberry cupcake. Than we went back down to Costs Cress to go to other houses for trick or treating  

When we saw another house that was even scarier I said happy trinkil treat and out came a spider the man gave us lollies  and chocolate it was fun at halloween. than it was time to go home I said bye to my friend Zara and went home to eat all the goodies .   

My Edited Piece of Writing

On Saturday I was at my Papa's, Aunt’s and Uncle’s house getting ready for Halloween. When I saw my Papa dressed as a spooky Zombie I was frightened. I was dressed as a purple bat. I was ready for Halloween. Me and my Papa were going around the houses asking for lollies.

Once I went to a house that was very black and very spooky my Papa got scared. I told him don’t worry It's just a house full of decorations. There were spiderwebs, bats and witch decorations. I knocked on the door and out came a ghost man and lady.

I said to them “Trick or Treat”. They gave us some yummy sweets. Next I went down to another house that wasn't spooky as the last house.

It only had spiders and a black witch’s broom. I knocked on the door and out came a black witch. The witch gave us some chocolates and chocolate candy pumpkins.

When we stopped at Kings Road we saw my friend Zahra, her Dad and her Baby. They were going Trick or Treating for some sweet candy Me and my Papa were walking to Zahra. We asked if we could come with them to get yummy treats. They said yes. When we stopped down at a cafe to eat/drink a had a hot chocolate and a strawberry cupcake. Then we went back down to Coral Cress to go to other houses for Trick or Treating.

When we saw another house that was even scarier than before I said “Trick or Treat”. Out came a man dressed as spiderman. He gave us some chocolate lollies. It was fun on the day of Halloween. It was time

to go home, I said bye to my friend Zahra and went home to eat all my goodies. “